I get asked this question a lot.
“Were you afraid to have children?”
Let’s back up a bit.
This question is in the past tense because I have children now. And it’s asked because I have experienced, like many of you, sudden, horrific loss.
Now, back to the question. “Were you afraid to have children?”
Short answer: Yes.
Longer answer: Yes, I was afraid to have children because I could not fathom the thought of potentially experiencing another significant loss.
So, I had two options.
#1 Give up my dream of being a parent (I have always dreamed about being a mom) and never experience the love a parent has for their child. Never experience the laughs, the cries, the long nights, the dirty toes, the sloppy kisses, the piggy back rides, the unconditional love between children and their parents.
#2 Live my dream of being a mother and experience all that is listed above.
I chose #2.
I look at it like this.
Let’s say I had two options with my identical twin sister that I lost.
#1 Never to have been a twin. Never to have experienced the unconditional, selfless love with my twin. Never to have had all of the most amazing experiences I had with her for 20 years.
#2 To have been a twin. To have lived with her for 20 years and to have experienced the most unique, indescribable, perfect love.
I would, hands down, always choose #2. I would rather have had her for 20 years than never at all. That being said, her loss has always given me the greatest pain, but I will take that pain any day over never having had her.
It’s completely normal to fear the worst when you’ve experienced the worst.
However, for me, I have always been adamant about not letting my lemons define me. I wouldn’t let them stop my dreams of being a mother.
Sadly, we know that there is always a potential that we can lose the ones we love, which is why it is so important to live in the moment with the people you love.
If I worried every day about losing my children, I would never be able to experience the joys I get by watching them play, hearing them laugh, and kissing them goodnight.
Yes, I have fears, as we all do, but I accept them and continue moving forward.